


to love and to lose (he knows what it's like)

by nightwalker



Category: Avengers (Comics), Guardians of the Galaxy (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: M/M, Post-Break Up, Starkquill - Freeform, but things end better than they did in canon technically so yay, not really a fix-it, post mind wipe, the Steve/Tony is in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 18:29:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10927554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightwalker/pseuds/nightwalker
Summary: A year after the mind-wipe is revealed, Tony goes back to Earth to deliver a message. Peter goes along to make sure he comes back.





	to love and to lose (he knows what it's like)

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I don't even know. 
> 
> Set after the reveal of the mind-wipe in Hickmanvengers. Thoroughly Jossed since it was originally written, but oh well, I like the idea of Tony exiling himself to space and joining the Guardians.

Tony pushed a hand back through his hair, mussing the already haphazard mop of curls. It had been overdue for a trim for months, but there was always something better to do than get a haircut. Like save the galaxy, or run for their lives. Anyway, Peter liked it long, liked the way he could bury his fingers in Tony’s hair when they kissed, so maybe he distracted Tony sometimes when he mentioned getting it cut.

Geniuses, he now knew with intimate certainty, were actually pretty easy to distract. Always thinking too much.

One of Tony’s old teammates – the cute one with the pixie cut, Peter kept wanting to call her Jane, but he was pretty sure that was wrong – was giving him a weird look. Possibly he should stop drooling over Tony and start paying attention to the real reason they were there.

Tony seemed to be wrapping it up though. “It’s all completely avoidable,” he was saying, gesturing absently at the holographic star charts that were hanging in the air over the conference table. “It’ll take some work, but if my math is correct-” he didn’t say which it always is the way he did on board ship when he and Rocket were getting into a pissing contest, and the lack of ego made Peter hurt for him a little. “I figure you’ve got more than six months before this becomes a planetary threat. It should only take half that to deal with it, barring any unforeseen difficulties.”

Most of the people present were regarding the holo-charts with something between concern and confusion. “Deal with it how exactly?” one of them asked. He was dark-haired and bordering on the skinny side, and he was sitting on the wall like gravity was something other people did.

“You call yourself a scientist,” Tony scoffed, then immediately ducked his head like he was bracing for a blow. “Dealing with it should be relatively easy,” he said hurriedly, warding off whatever response he seemed to think was coming.

Peter ground his teeth together and crossed his arms over his chest to hide the fact that his fists were clenched so tight the skin was turning white.

“A careful application of simple explosive devices, timed to detonate in a specific order at precisely the right moments would more than do it,” Reed Richards said. He was blinking up at the charts with a distracted look on his face, like he wasn’t even really paying all that much attention. Peter had met him the previous evening, when he and Tony had first arrived in New York. He had offered them a place to stay, and the stunned gratitude Tony had done such a terrible job of hiding had been enough to endear him to Peter a little, even if he was an enormous jackass. “Or there is the possibility of applying thrust and altering the course of the asteroid just enough to avoid Earth’s orbit and gravitational field. Or-”

“Relatively easy,” Tony repeated with a little half-smile. “I’ve copied all the data I have for you, Reed. If I find anything new, I’ll let you know, and I’ll leave a communicator in the unlikely event that you need to consult on this.”

“You’re not staying?” the pixie-haired woman who wasn’t named Jane asked. She looked disappointed, the corners of her pretty mouth turning down, her eyes getting a little brighter than the lights in the room should have made them.

“No,” Tony said, carefully not looking at her. He waved one hand and the holo-charts turned off. “Like I said, it’s nothing Reed and his people can’t handle and-”

“And it’s not like you’ve ever stuck around to clean up a mess before.”

Captain America had spent the entire presentation watching Tony like a bug under glass, and now he leaned forward in his seat, his lip curling up in a sneer. “So you’re just going to drop this problem in our laps and cut out on us again, huh, Stark?”

Only the knowledge that Tony didn’t want it and probably wouldn’t forgive him for it kept Peter from doing something rash and probably violent.

Tony, for his part, lifted one shoulder in a shrug, carefully not meeting his former partner’s eyes. “Yes. Pretty much.”

“It’s time to go,” Peter said flatly, and most of the other people in the room blinked at him like they’d forgotten he was there. “We’re going to miss rendez-vous and you know Gamora wouldn’t mind leaving without us.”

Tony flashed him a quick smile, there and gone again almost too fast for Peter to notice, but at least it was there. “Realistically speaking,” Tony said dryly as he grabbed his things – just the little hand device for the portable holo-charts, the memory sticks and the paper copies he left, probably for Reed – “Gamora’s a lot more likely to come down here looking for a fight with whatever made us late.”

“That too.” Peter aimed a lazy smile in Captain America’s direction and was pleased to see it returned with a tight glare. “So unless you want her to mess this place up a little, we should head out.”

It was kind of an offer. Tony didn’t catch it, but several of his friends did.

Tony didn’t say goodbye and Peter wished it was because Tony didn’t care enough to say goodbye. But he knew better after more than a year with Tony. Tony cared too much, and the only reason he didn’t stay to wish them all well was because he was certain none of them cared that he was leaving. He was wrong, of course – Not-Jane and the guy clinging to the wall both looked like they wanted to stop him, as did the hot red-head and the guy with the scraggly hair. Reed would probably have said goodbye, if he weren’t buried in some kind of hand-held computer that looked hi-tech to the part of Peter that was from Earth, and hopelessly outdated to the Star-Lord. But Tony didn’t look at any of them to see that, and probably wouldn’t believe it even if he had.

Part of Peter wanted to point it out to him. Part of him knew it probably wouldn’t fix anything. Part of him – a tiny, terrible part of him – was glad Tony didn’t notice, because if Tony thought he was forgiven by even a few of his friends, maybe he’d go home for good.

Peter wasn’t perfect. But when Carol pushed her chair back and went to intercept Tony by the door, he didn’t try to stop her. Carol was good people, and she’d cared about Tony a lot back when she’d been liaison between the Guardians and Earth.

But when Captain America stood as well, Peter blocked the man’s path without thinking.

Most of the others were either filing out of the room, or gathering around Reed. A couple of them looked after Tony like they were considering approaching him, but they didn’t. Some of them were blatantly watching Peter and Captain America, waiting for a fight maybe, or just making sure there wasn’t one.

The Captain looked mostly unimpressed to find Peter in his way. “Star-Lord.”

“Let it go,” Peter said under his breath. “He came here to do the right thing, and now he’s leaving. Don’t try to break him all over again just because you can.”

It wasn’t what he’d meant to say. He’d had something half thought out in his mind since he arrived on Earth, something dramatic and bold where he told off Tony’s ex-teammates for being hypocritical shits, but he’d never really intended to say any of it. Partly because he knew there were two sides to the story, and that Tony’s side was no more innocent than anyone else’s. Mostly because Tony wouldn’t forgive him for it.

Unrehearsed though it was, his little speech seemed to stop Captain America in his tracks, “I wasn’t going to-” The man made a face like he was cracking nuts with his teeth. “He’s not broken.”

“Not anymore,” Peter said, and if there was some challenge in his voice, so be it. “Look, I know what he did. I know what _all of them_ did to you. And it wasn’t right. But he never wanted to hurt you. That’s the difference here, all right? He regrets it. And I’m not going to let you rip his heart out over and over again just to make yourself feel better.”

“I just-” the Captain clenched his fists and looked away. “Is he all right?” It sounded like the words were dragged out of him by force, like he might have done himself some damage in the process.

Peter remembered the Tony who’d come aboard a year ago, pale and glassy-eyed, who hadn’t looked Carol in the eye once as he ordered her back to Earth to help with the cleanup. He remembered finding Tony asleep on the cold metal floors when days of non-stop work had caught up with him and he’d given in to the exhaustion wherever he was. He remembered nightmares that made Angela and Gamora twitch and reach for their weapons, that made _Rocket_ mutter under his breath.

But he knew what it was like to love Tony Stark – and he knew what it was like to watch a member of his team go where Peter couldn’t watch their back – which was why he did what he did.

Captain America caught the communicator Peter tossed at him. “What’s this?” He stared at it like it might explode.

“It’s keyed to my signal. If you call, I’m the only one who’ll know.” Peter didn’t want Captain America calling – he didn’t want Steve Rogers anywhere near Tony, even from a few solar systems away – but he wasn’t a complete jerk, either. “Look, if you want to know he’s all right, then you call. And if I think you’re not going to hurt him, I may even let you say hello.” _Someday_ , he finished in his head, because he was only human.

“That’s not necessary,” Cap said. But he curled his fingers around the communicator and didn’t hand it back.

But he did know what it was like to love Tony Stark, and that’s what makes him continue. “I won’t tell him you have it,” Peter said. “Why get his hopes up that you might actually care if he lives or dies, right?”

“Tony,” he called, turning away before he could let the flicker of regret he saw in the other man’s eyes change his mind. “Time to pack up before we start an intergalactic incident.”

Carol was holding both of Tony’s hands in hers when she looked up at Peter. “You boys heading out?”

Tony was pale but he was meeting her eyes, and when he nodded it was decisive. “Time to go. Intergalactic incidents are what we’re supposed to be stopping, when you think about it.”

Carol patted his hand. “Just – call him. Or something. Please. Tony, it’s killing him that he doesn’t know where you are.”

“I don’t want to make things difficult between Rhodey and-” Tony made some kind of half-hearted gesture with his hands, aborted by Carol’s grip. “Everyone. I don’t want him to feel like I’m asking him to take a side, or something.”

“It’s pretty obvious to everyone with eyes that you aren’t trying to excuse what you were a part of.” Carol pushed his hair out of his face with one hand. “Listen to me. He doesn’t care what you did. He still loves you. And if something happened to you out there and he never got to tell you that, it would kill him. So please, before you leave, just call him.”

The look on Tony’s face was pure want. “I don’t-”

“Here.” Peter pulled another communicator out of his pocket and handed it to Carol. “Look, give this to Rhodes. Tony talks about him all the time. I know he wouldn’t mind if the guy checked in now and again. It’s not a direct line, though, he’ll go through the ship’s comm and whoever’s on duty will have to patch him through to Tony.”

Carol grabbed it from his hand before either of them could change their minds. “Be careful,” she said, wrapping Tony in a quick hug. “And if you can, come back. Even if it’s just for a visit.”

“We can probably manage that,” Peter said when it became obvious that Tony couldn’t. “Not for a while, maybe.”

“I know how it is,” Carol said. She gripped Peter’s wrist, then took a step back. “Boys. Be careful out there.”

Tony almost managed a smile as she walked away, then he raised his eyes and saw Captain America. “Steve.”

Peter didn’t try to stop him. But he didn’t encourage him either.

The man was still several feet away, and when Tony said his name it was as if he was jolted. “T- Stark. Tony.” He clenched his teeth and exhaled heavily. “Just be careful. And report back once in a while.”

Part of Peter wanted to tell him he had no right to act like he was still Tony’s leader. But he saw the way the Captain’s hand was still clenched around the communicator, like he thought someone might take it away, and he knew what it was like to love Tony Stark. And to lose him.

“He will,” Peter said. “And he’ll be back.”


End file.
